


Blame it on the Alcohol

by bad_ash10



Series: Tumblr Prompts [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Drunk Phil Coulson, F/M, Melinda picks him up from a bar, also May hates Hunter and it cracks me up, he's dumb - Freeform, she thinks it's cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27625303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bad_ash10/pseuds/bad_ash10
Summary: Fills a tumblr ask: PHIL'S DRUNK ASS TRIES TO PICK MAY UP AT THE BAR BUT THEY ARE ALREADY MARRIED
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: Tumblr Prompts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035009
Comments: 21
Kudos: 78





	Blame it on the Alcohol

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aziyee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aziyee/gifts).



> I hope this is cute, and fluffy-ish!

May's phone buzzed, waking her suddenly. It was late, far too late for anyone to be calling.

Melinda checked the display on her cell phone and answered hurriedly. “Hunter?”

Normally, she wouldn’t have answered a call from Hunter so quickly, but tonight was different since all the guys were out drinking for Fitz’s bachelor party. She was worried Phil might have gotten himself into trouble or been hurt or…

“Maaayyyyy,” Hunter said loudly, drawing out the word. 

“Is everyone ok?” she asked.

“Yeah, love. Iss all good, innit?” Hunter was obviously very drunk.

Through the phone Melinda could hear noises of a bar in the background, and voice that was very clearly Phil. “Don’ tell my wife I’m druuunk,” he slurred.

May rolled her eyes. Somebody obviously gave her idiot husband tequila. That was her only explanation. Typically, Phil had a high tolerance for alcohol, but when it came to tequila, it didn’t take much to put him over the edge. Especially if he was mixing it with other liquor.

“Hush, mate. I’m not gonna tell her we’re all blitzed. I’m just gonna tell her we need a ride.”

“Oh, cause May will never be able to figure out we’re drunk, and even worse we got Coulson smashed as well,” Fitz argued.

“My thoughts exactly.” 

Fitz spoke again, “That was sarcasm you bloody idiot! Ya know what? I need another drink.” 

Melinda couldn’t listen to their arguing any longer and interrupted before Hunter could offer another retort to Fitz. “Hunter, how many of you need a ride?”

“Uh,” Hunter paused and seemed to be counting. “Six.” 

“Only five of you went to the bar.”

“Oh. Then five in that case, love,” Hunter said with a laugh.

Phil was yelling from somewhere nearby. “I’m not druuunk! I just want you to know.”

With another eye roll, Melinda got the name of the bar before throwing on a sweater over her tank top and leggings and heading to the bar to pick up her drunk, dork of a husband and his equally drunk friends.

* * *

May walked into the bar and spotted her crew hanging out in a corner, Phil laying with his head down on the bar in front of him, Fitz and Hunter arguing loudly about soccer teams, and Mack and Davis playing pool behind them.

Walking over, she took the empty stool next to Phil, and touched his arm softly to get his attention. “Hey, stranger.”

He sat up, giving her a lopsided grin. “Hey, beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?”

“No, thank you. Are you ready to go?” Melinda asked, hoping he would say yes since she was ready to go back to sleep. On her way to the bar she had called everyone else a cab since she wasn’t willing to risk one of those drunk fools throwing up in her new SUV.

“With you? Where are we goin'?” He was still slurring his words a bit, but she could tell he was now moving on to his ‘sleepy drunk’ stage. From experience, she knew she had less than an hour to get him home and in bed before he passed out completely.

She flagged down the bartender and asked for a water for Phil. “We’re going home when you’re finished with your water.”

He raised his eyebrows almost comically high, “But we just met! Not that you’re not beautiful. But I’m,” Coulson paused, thinking. “Old-fashioned. I think the man should ask the woman to go home with him.”

Melinda rolled her eyes. Apparently drunk Phil Coulson was old fashioned. Who knew?

He gave her a sly smile. “So do you wanna go home with me?” 

May figured it would be easier if she just played along. “Sure, Phil. I’ll go home with you… After you drink your water.”

He reached for his cup, but stopped suddenly as he noticed his wedding band on his left hand. “Wait, am I married?” 

“Yes.”

“I’m married?” He held up his right hand and pointed to his empty ring finger, “Shit. I think I los’ my ring just now.”

“Yes, you’re married to me,” Melinda chuckled as she took his left hand. Phil was always a character when he was drunk on tequila. “Is this what you’re looking for?” she said brushing a finger across his wedding ring.

“You found my ring!” Phil exclaimed so loudly that Mack swore from behind them and said something about Phil messing up his next pool shot.

Suddenly, Phil pulled Melinda in close and kissed her deeply. May had to admit, as hard as it was to surprise her, that definitely did it.

Phil pulled back and looked at her seriously. “If we’re married I thought you’d like a thank you kiss for findin’ my ring.” He eyed his ring again. “My wife will be happy you found it.”

“ _ Again _ , we’re married to each other, Phil.”

Realization dawned on his face. “Oh.”

May nodded.

Phil smiled again. “Then I guess I can go home with you after all.”

Melinda nodded and took his hand, threading their fingers together. “Let’s go.”

Phil hopped down from his bar stool unsteadily, and May put his arm around her shoulders and wrapped her own arm around his waist and they headed for the door.

She gave Hunter a glare, suspecting him of being the culprit of the tequila Coulson had had earlier in the evening.

“Your cab will be here soon,” she said to the rest of the boys as they passed by. “Next time, pick a designated driver.”

This was apparently the wrong thing to say as Fitz and Hunter now began arguing again. 

“I told you May would know we were hammered!” Fitz yelled at Hunter.

“I didn’t think she would!” Hunter screamed back.

May just shook her head and kept walking toward the door and out into the cool night air with Coulson hanging on to her for dear life the entire time.

The fall air seemed to sober him up a little. Or at least he stopped leaning on her so heavily. As she put him into the passenger’s seat he turned to her. “So how did I get lucky enough to marry you?”

Melinda chuckled and kissed him on the cheek.  _ The real question, _ she thought _ , is how did we get lucky enough to marry each other? _

**Author's Note:**

> Am I projecting my own reaction to tequila on to Phil? The world may never know.
> 
> But also, yes. I most definitely am.
> 
> And always be smart like these guys and call a ride or pick a designated driver. :)


End file.
